How do I work with group members who leave me out?

Great question. Statistically women in engineering are outnumbered. To be a woman actually doing engineering in most industries requires bravery and commitment. You’ll need to accept these facts and change your approach with your club members. Sounds like stone walling may be in play. If you are committed to engineering then negotiate hard for your place at the table!

First of all, your feelings are very valid and unfortunately it is something that doesn’t go away as you become a professional. One step is to do some self-reflection. Ask yourself the following questions: “Why does not belonging bother you so much”; “Why do you want so badly to belong to this particular group”? Your responses may dictate how much effort you put into trying to build those relationships.

You focus on bringing the most value and having an impact on the team. I have had to work on some teams that I didn’t feel welcomed on, but by the end because I had done such a good job on the project, they recognized the contributions that I brought to the team. It is definitely not easy and can be uncomfortable, but pushing through the discomfort will only make you a stronger person on the other side.

This is a difficult situation, but here are some thoughts: Being of a different gender is not the only reason people are excluded. Developing the skills to deal with such situations will be useful to you many times. The first step is to try to understand the perspective of those who are excluding you and what would motivate them to change. I would quietly listen to observe where my skills could fill a hole or make the project more fun for everyone. Complimenting the group on a job well done is likely to be helpful. Accusing them of not treating you well or trying to take a role that then makes another student feel left out are examples of actions that are unlikely to lead to you being accepted. It’s hard when you feel left out, but if you can rise above the feeling of being left out and relax (don’t let your emotions show), you may be able to crack jokes and get everyone laughing. If you can identify one of the group who you think is more welcoming than the rest, approach him in private to offer support to fill a hole. If he agrees that that will be helpful, ask if he will support you in bringing the suggestion to the larger group.

When I was in college, I remember always feeling awkward – when I walked into a room, the guys would invariably say something like “now that a girl is here, we need to clean up our language” or something like that. But, be assured that that won’t last. Twenty years later, my daughter joined a meeting I was leading. After the meeting, she said to me “Mom, did you realize that you were the only female in the meeting?” My answer was “no.” In professional meetings nowadays, most of the time I find healthy professional behavior. Being excluded because of being a woman is something I haven’t experienced in a long time. However, I continue to observe non-inclusive dynamics in meetings – often people have an agenda and try to manipulate the meeting so that “their” person is selected or “their” proposal is funded. Being able to respond to such situations objectively (not emotionally) will enable you to be an effective leader by pointing out when the proposal on the table has merit rather than being politically motivated.

First, let me say that I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. This may be due in part to this being a small town and having biases that are specific to areas where diversity isn't very prevalent. In my experience, I have often been the only woman in my field of nuclear engineering. But other women have not had the same experience, especially in the fields of biomedical and chemical engineering.

You are right to be concerned but I would encourage you not to divert your dreams if engineering is really what you want to do. There are so many ways to be an engineer besides working for a large firm. And every day there are more and more women entering the engineering career fields. Some things to consider that can make the limited gender representation and biases easier to navigate are:

• look for university programs that have greater than 30% gender representation for women especially in your field
• reach out to social media and gender-based communities in STEM and engineering to create a larger network of women that can help you navigate these specific issues. The Society of Women Engineers (https://swe.org/) and STEMNoire are two examples
• think about starting your own firm or developing your own engineering ideas and business. No one says you have to work for these big firms and grind through their toxic culture. Build your own from the ground up or with other like-minded women and include diversity and inclusion in the foundations of your business
• consider smaller or startup firms
• network across as much as up. Find women at your career level and peer group and work to uplift each other

In closing, I want to reiterate that what you are feeling and sensing is real and it is not you it's them!

I do not believe it will always be like this. I think there are a couple of things happening that could be making you feel left out.

A small town is always going to be a small town. I grew up in one and sometimes people feel more comfortable with their “usual” friends and often aren’t overly welcoming to others (for various reasons). Sometimes these groups like things done “the way we’ve always done it” and introducing new ideas is not always welcomed. I think (for your small town group and for those groups you will work with in the future) it is always a good idea to take a step back and observe how the group interacts, what ideas they are willing to accept and how welcoming they tend to be with new ideas or new team members. Once you have a better feel for this, you can make your move. Everyone likes to succeed. Your idea may be the idea they need, but learning how to communicate that in a way they will accept is the key.

If you are in tune with the group dynamics, you can then figure out the best method for introducing your idea. I have (many times) allowed my idea to be the group’s idea just to make sure the project succeeded. It doesn’t take away from me but it definitely secures my place as a “team player” willing to do what is best for everyone. Sometimes our idea is good, but when others add their tweaks, the idea becomes even better. Toss a little nugget of an idea out there, let the team build on it and see how it grows into a great idea!

Will it always be this way? Sometimes it does work out that way and other times you find a great work team. But that is not just in engineering, it is in the workplace/neighborhood or circle of friends. We can’t control how others think or handle information, but we can handle our own thoughts and actions. Expecting others to accept us or our ideas just because we have something in common (such as engineering) is a misconception but learning to integrate ourselves into a group by learning the team dynamics is a great skill to have for anyone. When someone on your current team has an idea, offer your ideas on tweaks and see how easily others follow suit. That’s what working on a team embodies…everyone sharing ideas for the success of the project/department/company or goal.

As a female studying Electrical Engineering from 1974 until I graduated 1978, I was left out of much. I was the only female in all of my electrical engineering classes at a university that still didn't want women studying there. It was difficult because the male students studied in groups and I was never included.

I just persevered. It did help that I opted to live in the female dormitories which gave me wonderful support that way. Some of my female friends were also studying engineering, although in other fields. While in school still, if you have opportunities to join at least one other group that is math/science related with other females that are more supportive, that might be helpful.

After graduating, I opted to work in the petrochemical industry. Few women chose to work in that industry back in the 1970's-1980's. Again it was tough to get opportunities. I found many times I truly had to prove my abilities whereas I felt my male peers did not. I can only say that, for me, it was worth it because I enjoyed the technical challenges.

As we entered the year 2000, I realized that the number of female engineers had greatly increased at the facility where I worked. Of course, most were in the chemical and mechanical engineering fields but the idea that women could not work in the petrochemical industry was no longer in the forefront. We were accepted.

I would encourage you to persevere if you truly have a passion for engineering. These boys who exclude you will find, in the real world, that is unacceptable behavior. Do not let them discourage you. My daughters are also engineers and their college experiences were not the same as mine. Further, the work forces of today are far more inclusive. We have come a long way since the 1970's even if your small town has not.

Is it always going to be like that if you start working in an engineering company? My simple answer is NO, it will not always be like that. Yes, on the journey you will have times where you are the only female on a team or the only female in a meeting. However, there are so many more women in engineering than you realize and when you start working full-time you will find them, or they will find you and you will be able to support each other.

I’m a big advocate for my company’s Employee Resource Groups (ERGs). The ERGs are a major reason why I and so many other females feel like they belong at this company and in the role they have. I’ve seen so many young female engineers come into the company and as soon as they engage with the ERGs, they blossom. It’s amazing to see the transformation.

Also, studying engineering and being an engineer can be challenging for both males and females. However, the sense of accomplishment that I feel knowing that I was able to overcome all the obstacles in my way to earn an engineering degree and to work for a great company makes all the hard work worth it. Even after over 15 years in this industry, I am working on my self-confidence and courage to know that I bring value and what I say matters. The main thing is that you don’t need to worry about being perfect or worry about failing. You need to allow yourself to continue your journey and give yourself grace to learn and grow.

In the past when I experienced the challenges of being left out of a group, I reached out to individual members, and developed a relationship with them individually. I look for team members that are open to working with me, not everyone will be open at first. Usually as I develop my relationships, the team members will become your advocate and encourage the team members to include you because you have good input. Over time your reputation will grow and people will seek you out for your input.

I have been an engineer since the 1980s, where women were rare in the field, and as I moved to different offices, I had to re-establish myself. I feel times are changing, and I hope you will not have as many challenges being included.

Also do not get discouraged, some teams are very competitive, and it has nothing to do with you being female, and it is just highly competitive, but I still look for a few people to build a relationship with and work with them.

Inclusion is a big hurdle in society in any realm of your life. The good news is that dealing with personalities, bias, and general stereotypes is more openly talked about and recognized in today's society.

A school club should have a teacher or other mentor leading the group. If you feel left out maybe talk one on one with this teacher or mentor. They may have some insight as to the dynamics of the team that you are not seeing. For example, are you new to the team and all the others have been working together for a long time? Often it is hard to break into a pre-established hierarchy of individuals. Maybe the mentor could give you a position or task in the group that helps you to integrate.

This scenario plays out everyday in the workplace. Established teams or individuals that have a strong dynamic with each other can overtake a project or conversation. For example, operational system development is now in an "agile" process environment with production owners, scrum masters, business owners, and other various positions. The purpose is to involve the users in the system development to ensure it works for them in daily business practices. Well let me tell you engineers can have 100 different solutions to get the final answer. Corralling all those opinions, suggestions, and reaching a final solution can be overwhelming. Yet if everyone is quiet and only one or two people speak up, users end up with a system that only works in certain geographical regions or specifically structured work groups.

My suggestion to you is to pursue the career that is in your heart. If you have passion for what you are doing then it isn't just work anymore. The pay is welcomed but the satisfaction of a job completed is worth even more.

Listen! Observe! Sometimes being an outsider is a good thing. When the team gets at an impasse or conflict, you have witnessed everything as a neutral observer. This may be your opportunity to offer a suggestion, compromise, or alternate solution. Ta da, you are now part of the team.

Know when enough is enough! There will be times when despite all your efforts, you just don't fit the dynamic of the team. Just like there are some people who just rub you the wrong way as soon as you meet them. No fault of either party, the interaction just doesn't work. You can always force yourself into a team via HR, but then how does that affect the end goal. Don't get me wrong, legitimate harassment or exclusions need to be addressed, but maybe it is just better to move on to the next project, team, or position.

Fighting that Imposter Syndrome is a personal hurdle. Self doubt is part of all of us, but if it impedes your life then seek out solutions through introspection.

Learn to connect with individuals of the team at a personal level. Establish first relationship/friendships based on common likes, it is so much easier to have ‘friends’ or supporters in a team. That has always worked for me.

Depending on the industry you may or may not have the situation of being the only female in the team or in the group. I go in with an open mind thinking that I belong there no matter what and do my best to connect with people and make friends.

I also attended a small high school, and I felt excluded by the boys in my engineering classes and clubs. But I was ECSTATIC when I went to college and found other female students who were just as excited about engineering as I was. We stuck together through classes, ranted about group projects, and have remained lifelong friends after graduation. And in my career, I've found that not only are there still other women to be friends with, the men I work with are a lot more mature than my high school classmates, and a lot more willing to include me! My best advice is to stick it out, and know it will not always be like this!

I also suggest seeking out STEM mentors. I was lucky enough that my engineering/shop teacher in high school was a woman, and she welcomed me to stop by anytime to ask questions. Spending time talking to her outside of class and after school helped me feel like the shop classroom was my space, and gave me more confidence to speak up and share my ideas in classes.

Remember, men can be allies too! If you look around and don't find any female STEM mentors, consider if you have men you trust to mentor you! You can also try to befriend some of your male classmates outside of the engineering club environment, you may be surprised, once they get to know you, they might be more willing to stick up for you and include you in the group!