How can I deal with not fitting in or feeling like I'm not good enough?

Everyone feels like they don’t belong at one point or another whether it be personal (with a circle of peers) or professionally (at work). In those moments, I remind myself that I am made to stand out. Focus on the strengths you have and use them to help you with the underdeveloped strengths you want to work on. I had classmates that performed better than me in some subjects. Instead of focusing on those areas, I chose to find out what we had in common. You might be surprised to learn that they may look at your gifts and want to learn more from you.

It takes courage to admit when we are not excelling, but please do not let where you see yourself now determine where you can go. Please be patient with yourself and resist the urge to compare. Your gifts and abilities will blossom.

I think everyone feels like this at one time or another, and there's actually a name for it called imposter syndrome. I've felt this many times over the course of my career and schooling. But we have to remember everyone learns and grows at their own pace. You don't know someone's backstory and what might feel like miles ahead of where you are currently could be someone who spent years learning and developing their skills in STEM. Similar to how you didn't jump in a pool and immediately know how to swim or jump on a bike and instantly know how to ride it, engineering takes time, practice, and even trial and error to learn and succeed. Engineering is hard work and everyone goes at their own pace.

So how do you get better? Learn from those with more experience, ask questions, try things to see what the outcome is, do some research, and ask for help. You can even ask one of the more advanced students how they learned what they know or if they have advice on where to learn more about these topics. Another option is to find a mentor (you're on a great website for that) to ask questions, learn more, and find resources.

I'd love to say once you make it to engineering school or even to the working world that it gets easier, but there will always be someone (or multiple someones) who knows more, appears to be further along the line, or gets it faster than you. But that's okay, because it's not a race, and those people can help you excel and develop your skills. And there will also be others that come behind you that you will be able to help teach and mentor as you learn more and more. Engineering is a team sport and there's probably something you excel at that someone else is struggling with and you can teach them while they teach you.

I totally understand the feeling. When I graduated from high school and went to the engineering school, I felt I didn’t belong because I was very behind. I came from a small town and the high school education wasn’t of great quality. I failed most of my first exams with the exception of Chemistry in my first semester so I started to look at who was good in the classes and how they had done in the first term exams. I created a group study with three other students, two of them were males and another female. It was the best thing ever. The group study helped me to not only to pass all my classes in the first semester but also to complete my degree and three of us graduated together. I suggest even in high school you take the same approach. It is okay to ask for help, particularly from those we see they know more than we do.

You’re not alone in feeling this way, girls tend to lose confidence starting as early as 4th grade and this has a tremendous impact on how we view ourselves and take risks. Acknowledging that you are feeling the effects of Imposter Syndrome is a good first step. What is also good to keep in mind is that just because you didn’t score the best on a test or achieve the highest grade in a class doesn’t mean you won’t be a great engineer. In fact, failing is an important part of being an engineer because it teaches us what doesn’t work, tenacity to learn from those failures is what makes a good engineer!

This feeling of not being good enough is called Imposter Syndrome. It is highly likely that you do know a lot more than you think you do. To combat that feeling of other people making you feel lesser, you probably need some kind of mantra! Not sure what it would be for you, but mine has been, “There are things that I think are really important to get done and that I am passionate about. I will do my best to pursue those, and if this pathway doesn’t work, I’ll find another.” (Long I know…)

If you are not feeling connected to those you think are focused on careers in science and technology, think about going to college at a comprehensive university. You can then find friends from across many majors, and choose your friends not based on common interests scholastically, but through your other activities. On the other hand, students often find that once they get to a university they are comfortable with, they do find friends in their major, even if they are not their best friends.

Good luck – but don’t let the social situation keep you from pursuing your passions!

Every person worries at some point about fitting in, but this is worry for naught. Diversity is valued more than ever in our society and in our industry. We need all kinds of people with different backgrounds and thoughts. Common thought doesn’t breed creativity and innovation. Love your individuality and be valued for it!”

Believe it or not, most humans feel like they are not good enough! Some people are better at hiding it than others. I have definitely felt that way at times during my life. I used to sail with a big crew and there was a person who was younger than me and they had been sailing their whole life! I used to think that I could never measure up to them. But there is always going to be someone better than you and there is always someone not as good as you. It doesn't make sense to compare yourself to others because comparisons don't work when we are all different people. You are amazing right where you are.

Unfortunately, this “feeling” is a cultural dynamic for women and is contingent on many factors including geographical, religious, political, educational, and social influences in your life. There is not an easy fix and requires each individual to do some introspection of themselves. Sometimes this can happen consciously, but often it happens unconsciously and is a matter of retrospect several years in the future.

I felt the same way in college, and because of it changed majors several times never obtaining a degree when I was out of high school and in my early 20's. Ironically, I took the ASVAB test which showed I had a high aptitude for computer science and even nuclear physics. I had taken some classes in Computer Science and struggled greatly.

So, I joined the U.S. Navy on a 5 year enlistment. The first year was computer classes and radar classes, which I still struggled with. The difference was smaller class sizes and instructors who said you will be here until you pass the course, your ASVAB says you have an aptitude for this and you will learn and understand it. Also, no liberty nights out with my friends until you pass the class. At 20-something that is a big incentive to get over yourself. :-)

Upon going to my first duty station, the officer in charge explained to me that I was not just responsible for the computer equipment I was trained on but every piece of electronic equipment in the operations center and the base. After a 2nd enlistment of 4 more years, I had the confidence to enter the public workforce.

Even with that I still struggle with confidence when it comes to some things. I catch myself saying I can't or I don't understand. Removing that mental block can be difficult. But it is all within yourself. Don't compare yourself to others, some people are really good at covering up their flaws. Remember we learn by struggle and mistakes, so those individuals who are whizzing through classes are not getting the experience you are through failure and/or struggle.

I feel like I don't fit in every single day. I have been in the tech sector for 20 years thus I have been living with that feeling for a long time. How I get past it is that no one else can bring my spin on the work that I do. I am the only one that can bring the perspective that I have to the work that I do. I am the only one that can fit into the space that I occupy. This is the same for you - you have the same truth.